Of Being Ok (or Not)...

floam.jpg

This picture has significance today...these hands held more than a "toy" today.

Two friends asked how I was doing today, and in general. I answered honestly...in those moments I was doing "ok" (whatever that means). I now seem to have more "ok" moments than super rough moments - that changes minute by minute, and every day holds many tears still.

I'm learning to see the grace & beauty in the midst of grief. Seems like an oxymoron, I can't explain it...but I know that it is all God. Today, while driving home from dropping Lil Man off (Tuesdays & Thursdays are Gigi & Liam days) it hit me, really hit me, this feeling isn't going away. That's the thing with being a parent - you love deep and for a lifetime....YOUR lifetime. That love doesn't lessen if a child dies - I don't wonder if it gets deeper and becomes more profound as there is no where for it to go. It is like the phantom pain of an amputee, continuing to feel that limb as though it is still there...but it is not, simply the void left in its place.

Today, I was ok...and then I wasn't. It was something as simple as this 'floam' I had picked up for Liam. As soon as I pulled it out of the package, felt it in my hand and smelled it's unique scent - I was undone. Swept away in a flash flood of sweet memories of PJ's middle school years. Missing not only him, but all of his amazing friends. Smiles & tears, deep sorrow and strange joy.

This is life. Life without a child & life within grief. Only by His mercy and grace does the senseless have even a glimmer of sense.

"If God hadn’t been there for me, I never would have made it. The minute I said, “I’m slipping, I’m falling,” your love, God , took hold and held me fast. When I was upset and beside myself, you calmed me down and cheered me up." Psalm 94:17-‬19 MSG
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#godgetstheglory #steadfast #eucaristeo #cityonahill #thejubileeofStacyMac #morelove #graceupongrace #beautyfromashes #joyfrommourning #imisshim #alwaysmakeitcount #cancersucks